Too Big

I can't write anymore at quality. My life has become too blurry for me to be able to break out the lessons into the bite-size pieces that illustrate something.

Firefly comes to stay with me more and more often, and a lot of people ask if she's going to stay for good, including her. She's 15 now. Primary struggles of a 15-year-old seem to be wanting to be taken seriously as an adult while being terrified of the actual responsibility when it is given to her, and having excellent reasoning capacity with almost no common sense. She was terrified of the concept of going to the airport, but has randomly driven her friend's car with no training, experience, or permit. She's done way more dangerous stuff too, but I wouldn't care to embarrass her here.

Mostly, she seems overwhelmed by how big the world is sometimes, and she shuts down and acts stupidly.

***

"You left another job?" I can hear Circles judging me.

"I can't handle this, I need a break!"

"I hear you talking about a lot of bad shit happening, but I don't see you taking a lot of responsibility for it."

"Are you saying this is my fault?"

***

"You still need to go to school" I feel awful repeating myself, but at the same time I really want her to get this.

"I just want to go someplace else and start again," Firefly whines.

"Well, you can't. This is the hand you drew, and it's shitty, but that isn't going to excuse you if you play it poorly."

"I can't handle this, I need a break!"

Those words wouldn't bother me nearly so much if I didn't say them too.

***

Mamoritai got in trouble with his girlfriend for staying up late talking Firefly out of trying to take care of every troubled person she comes across. Lambda really pissed me off by going overboard yelling at Rosie for being persistently obnoxious and not taking a hint.

Truth is, the reason I get so mad at her is that it pains me to watch her make my mistakes. I've got no idea how to life my life and so I mess up and bad things happen sometimes. I'm alright with that, but it pains me to watch the same things happen to her when I love her so much. The world is so massive and complicated that I have no idea how to navigate it, let alone how to guide another.

She'll probably be ok though, since I guess nobody really knew how to lead me either.

Homecoming

The first thing I noticed was that everybody was heavier set than I remembered them. Many still wore the exact same clothes that I saw them wear in undergrad, and everybody still looked great, but I couldn't figure out why it seemed different.

It wasn't for almost a day that I remembered my new home's obsession with physical appearance: the year-round pool parties, how everybody talks about running or swimming or doing something. I remembered feeling pressure to eat and look differently, in a way I never had before I moved out there.

I noticed that one person's belt didn't match his pants. I can't remember ever thinking about that before.

"So when are you moving back?" Krill asked.

"Oh," I laughed, "not anytime soon, the toys are so good! I'm getting to do all the things I always wanted to do, really change the world you know?"

***

Vex's company has a whole lab now, and pays $100 a month for rent there including utilities. We'd pay about 2.5K for about the same space for the Torii. He's walking around showing me his new projects.

"I just can't come back here, I want to, but there are so many good toys in my new home, I'm really getting to change things..."

Vex looks up, puzzled, and I realize my comment was unsolicited.

"Who are you trying to convince?"

***

The restaurant two blocks from campus will serve you a mixed drink in a beach bucket to share among friends. I'd never done it because I was always broke in college. Turns out it cost $13. We did a loop through the other restaurants in the area getting their equivalent drinks and splitting them about 5 ways: one in a fancy glass, another in a fishbowl. None of them cost more than the bucket. I would have paid for all three but I thought it would be rude to show how different the standard of living was in my new home.

***

A huge technological revolution will happen here: the next silicon valley. The economy is heading for a crash, and these are the people who feel the pressure, and who will rise from the ashes first. I am so sure of these things that I would be comfortable betting everything on them.

"This new home is soft, I feel like that's been good for you."

Circles is right of course. Kalei has commented on it in her own way too, and Vex complimented me on how much easier I was to speak with.

"Yeah, stuff has changed"

"I dress like a grownup now"

"Yeah I wasn't going to comment on the almost-hipster coat..."

"It's not hipster!"

"Yeah, well the Pika I remember had a bright blue cap and..." he points at his pants, grasping for words

"Cargo pants?"

"Yeah, cargo pants, and a threadbare hoodie that was barely there..."

"Yeah, there was a fashion intervention."

***

"You worried about the hurricane?"

"No, if I had to be in a disaster anywhere I'd do it with these people, hands down. They are tough and prepared to face anything."

***

In the one place my skills to work with people are challenged because the world judges more harshly, and in the other my career would be pushed harder because better opportunities are there.

I suppose a rational person would choose better opportunities with more forgiving people.

"So when are you leaving?" Sid grins over his straw as he passes the beach bucket to me.

"Tuesday"