"What are you doing here?" I asked him.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you live with your family right?"
"Yeah."
"And it is Christmas..."
"Yeah..." he sighed.
"So... they let you live there for free... surely you're on good terms for a holiday..."
"No, my mom asked me to move back in, I think she was lonely, but now that I am there she takes every opportunity to look down on me and try to push me around. My sister too, it starts with the little things like 'Dusty, pass me a fork,' but it escalates on as long as I put up with it. She just wants to see how much she can push me around."
"Huh, your family too."
"And this year, it occurred to me, as they were doing all this garbage, that I didn't have to put up with it, so I left."
***
I went to the beach with her yesterday, but she looks really tired today. "Family," she explains when I ask. I give her a little verbal hug and she brightens, "but I'm off to see my made-family now."
"That's wonderful, tell them Merry Christmas."
Billy, who came with us on our beach trip, looks about the same and won't say anything about it except "Family is tiring." He is usually one of the most cheerful of us but today he is worn and wants to do nothing but zone out and watch TV.
"That's wonderful, tell them Merry Christmas."
Billy, who came with us on our beach trip, looks about the same and won't say anything about it except "Family is tiring." He is usually one of the most cheerful of us but today he is worn and wants to do nothing but zone out and watch TV.
***
***
"You'd better be grateful," my mother sneered, "because nobody will ever love you like your family loves you."I think the portrayal of the biological family as the epitome of goodness is one of the silliest habits of our society. We'll all admit that there are some people in this world who just don't know how to be decent and respectful to one another, but we never admit to ourselves that they are probably somebody's parents or siblings.
We put up with rude, selfish, and harmful behavior from these people that we would never tolerate in a boyfriend or girlfriend, in a coworker, of a friend. If any of those people treated us like this we would have no problem advising ourselves to steer clear of those people, but when our own flesh and blood treat us like this we feel an obligation to go back to them, year after year, for another dose.
Family, they tell us, have known us all our lives and will be there for us when all else fails but why would we want them there in the worst of times when they do not know how to treat others with respect and decency at the best of times?
This is not to say that I do not love my family. I love my family with all of my heart. I understand that they are doing their very best to be accepting of me, that they are never intentionally mean, and that, for many of them, this is simply how they were either born or raised and how much work it would take to change. What I am saying is just because you love your family doesn't give you an obligation to show up every year, nor them a license to treat you like shit should you choose to. As a matter of fact, I would almost say you have an obligation to yourself and to them to take a stand and explain that their behavior is not alright and that you won't be participating until everybody can be civil. I can not tell you how many people, myself included, I have watched completely dread the holidays and waste so much effort and time trying to salvage the truly demolished family structure.
If you have one of those wonderful families that really is all it is cracked up to be, I really hope you appreciate them. Send them a hug for me.
And if you don't have one of those families: accept that some people just don't win the lottery and move on with your life.
We put up with rude, selfish, and harmful behavior from these people that we would never tolerate in a boyfriend or girlfriend, in a coworker, of a friend. If any of those people treated us like this we would have no problem advising ourselves to steer clear of those people, but when our own flesh and blood treat us like this we feel an obligation to go back to them, year after year, for another dose.
Family, they tell us, have known us all our lives and will be there for us when all else fails but why would we want them there in the worst of times when they do not know how to treat others with respect and decency at the best of times?
This is not to say that I do not love my family. I love my family with all of my heart. I understand that they are doing their very best to be accepting of me, that they are never intentionally mean, and that, for many of them, this is simply how they were either born or raised and how much work it would take to change. What I am saying is just because you love your family doesn't give you an obligation to show up every year, nor them a license to treat you like shit should you choose to. As a matter of fact, I would almost say you have an obligation to yourself and to them to take a stand and explain that their behavior is not alright and that you won't be participating until everybody can be civil. I can not tell you how many people, myself included, I have watched completely dread the holidays and waste so much effort and time trying to salvage the truly demolished family structure.
If you have one of those wonderful families that really is all it is cracked up to be, I really hope you appreciate them. Send them a hug for me.
And if you don't have one of those families: accept that some people just don't win the lottery and move on with your life.
***
All I can think is, "I most certainly hope so."
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